Category Archives: navigating your twenties

Don’t Give Fate Too Much Credit.

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31 Day Writing Challenge Day 27: “What’s your superstition?”

I was hell bent on foregoing today’s writing challenge topic at first, certain that after 26 days of writing, I couldn’t come up with anything compelling to say about superstitions. I announced this in a tweet and my friend sent me a definition.

Superstition: A notion maintained despite evidence to the contrary

Ahh, yes. I can work with that.

Last night, I watched Part 3 of the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion where Vicki Gunvalson defended her relationship with a guy Brooks whom her daughter Briana absolutely hates. Briana recalled a host of disparaging remarks Brooks had made both to her and about her as he clumsily tried to deny them. It was the exact recipe that makes for entertaining reality television. But, at the end of the segment when Vicki broke down into heavy sobs saying, “I just want my family back,” it became apparent that this wasn’t good TV. It was people’s lives being toyed with and it was no longer fun to watch. Vicki maintained the notion that Brooks was both a good man and her soulmate despite the raging forest fire encircling her.

I have experienced my fair share of assuredness about men who were entirely wrong for me. And, typically, I knew they were wrong for me, whether it was their outright declarations of being madly in love with someone else or the outcry of people around me advising me to run in the other direction. I usually never listened, opting instead to believe in some crummy justification for why this person was meant for me. And, usually, I got beat over the head with reality in the end.

Each of us has had convictions about people, especially lovers, that have proven to be totally bogus. When we are laser-focused on extracting love and admiration from one person, it becomes easy to zone out, go deaf and ignore the sirens and flashing red lights around us.

Yes, to borrow one of the most popular clichés of all time, sometimes what is meant to be will be. But, I don’t think a trite expression should be used to excuse being blind to the signs or, worse, ignoring them even after you see them. It’s easy to live your life with your head in the clouds and a lot harder to bring that cranium back down to Earth and acknowledge what’s going on around you. It’s easy but also pretty daft to maintain bullshit notions despite all evidence to the contrary.

Xoxo,

Tyece

 

 

Things Change. People Change. Nothing Is Ever Precisely How You Left It.

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The kids who took me in when I returned to the East Coast. They're alright, I guess.

The kids who took me in when I returned to the East Coast. They’re alright, I guess.

31 Day Writing Challenge Day 26: “How you have changed in the past year”

I usually reserve reminiscing and reflecting for birthdays or New Year’s Eve. But, in light of today’s topic, it’s time to think about the past year.

On Saturday night, I stood in a group of friends drinking a mini bottle of Chardonnay and preparing to bid farewell to our friend who is headed to grad school tomorrow. I sent that grad school friend an email earlier that day and one of the things I told him was that “It’s hard to believe that at the beginning of this year, I didn’t even know you.”

A year ago, I was finishing up a work stint in Texas and getting ready to head back to the East Coast. In Texas, I spent a hell of a lot of time alone. I learned how to quiet my mind and enjoy my own company, something I needed after a somewhat tumultuous launch into adulthood. But, I was ready to get closer (geographically and emotionally) to the friends and family I left in the DMV sixteen months before right after I graduated.

Things were not exactly the same when I returned, because, simply put, people change. Things change. Places change. Nothing is ever precisely how you left it. I miscalculated that I could jump right back into my former routine and inner circle of friends, blind to the fact that sixteen months shifts a lot of shit. And, that stretch of time does not only change the things you left. It also changes you in ways that you don’t always realize.

I had an undulant start back on the East Coast. There was a new circle of friends. I lived in Virginia which wasn’t exactly right down the street from the rest of my people. I had to reset my expectations, rebuild some of my friendships, and stay true to the person I had become during my sixteen months away. I had to still be OK opting out of a night out in favor of curling up on my couch and watching Fashion Police. What can I say? Once a grandma, always a grandma.

But, somehow, I adjusted. That is why on Saturday night I could look at someone who, as of January, I hardly knew and call him a friend. Because, that new circle of friends took me in. That new circle of friends is the same circle that sat in the front row of Busboys and Poets on Thursday night rooting me on. Yes, people change. Things change. Places change. Nothing is ever precisely how you left it. But, maybe life is much better that way.

Perhaps the most significant thing I’ve learned over the past year is the importance of investment–both in yourself and the people around you. As of a year ago, this blog was a budding idea. Now, it has become one of my life’s precious stones. It is a space I make an investment in, and every day I see the pay off. It’s sort of like chipping away at a brick wall with a chisel. But, eventually, you’ll tear shit up.

I’ve learned you also have to invest in the people around you. Invest in their stories. Invest in their journeys. Remember the details. Don’t just listen, but actually hear them. To borrow a cliché, it was Oprah who said, “People just want to be heard.” But, that’s really all each of us asks for.

Xoxo,

Tyece

Stop Selling Yourself Short.

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31 Day Writing Challenge Day 24: “A problem you have…”

“You sell yourself too short.” My friend said this a few days ago as we were leaving Panera and I remarked how the guy in front of us in the line was “too attractive for me.”

I tried to laugh off her comment, but its familiarity struck me. It is a sentence I’ve heard many times in my life, regarding everything from once announcing in the beginning of a work presentation that I was “not a guru” to being hesitant to apply for a spotlight feature at my favorite spoken word spot. Professional and personal confidence, especially post-college, are things I have had to learn to gradually attain. They no longer come to me quite as naturally as they did when I was a naïve and inflated college kid.

And, with good reason. Life has an uncanny way of humbling us, adversity serving as a memorable reality check of who we are and how we are not exempt from the vicissitudes of existence. Every now and again, we are reminded that we are only human and we sometimes royally mess things up.

These ups and downs make the line between arrogance and humility delicate. We live in a world where Kanye West has found a way to rhyme his name to that of the Messiah. On Thursday night, I sat back and listened to a poet brag of his sexual prowess (never great material for a poem, ladies and gentlemen.) Arrogance has become art. Explicit self-inflation seems to make for great lyrics or lines, so it is hard to know how much of it is authentic, how much of it is insecurity, and how much of it is just what sells and rhymes.

Perhaps as I have tried to teeter that line between arrogance and humility, I have sometimes leaned too far on one side, incorrectly identifying humility as talking myself a bit too far down the scale. Perhaps humility is not always coming up with a rebuttal for compliments, but instead graciously accepting them while not letting them get too ingrained in my head.

I agree that I need to stop selling myself short in all aspects of my life. I agree that by selling myself short, I have probably missed out on some opportunities. Because, selling yourself short simply means you don’t think you deserve more. And, on my better days, I fully know what I deserve and desire.

Xoxo,

Tyece

Don’t Ignore The Red Flags.

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31 Day Writing Challenge Day 22: “Red flags in relationships”

I’ve spent the past day listening to Dionne Farris’ “” non-stop. I read a blog post highlighting “Eight reasons why I love ‘Love Jones’ ” and it reminded me of what an incredible soundtrack that movie has. (In addition to being one of the greatest movies of all time, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Songs, like scent, evoke memory. And, “Hopeless” reminds me of one of the best moments I had with a former beau. We were getting ready for our respective days as songs on his iTunes shuffled and served as our musical backdrop. “Hopeless” came on and we danced around the room, belting out the notes off-key. It was a simple yet impressionable instant, one that always brings a smile to my face when I recall it. It was the kind of moment you want to isolate in time, a spark of sunshine forever stitched in your recollection of that person.

Remembering the Farris-filled morning makes it easy to forget the red flags. And, many times, I would rather forget the red flags. I would like to remember this person only as the same person who filled me with bursts of enchantment when he knew the lyrics to a Love Jones soundtrack classic.

I did a Twenties Unscripted poll about red flags in potential relationships and learned that while people’s red flags run the gamet, there are also many common themes. Inconsistency. Someone who doesn’t make time for you. Someone who doesn’t take your emotions or passions seriously. Selfishness. Unresponsiveness. Insecurity. Insensitivity. Jealousy. Poor communication skills/shuts down when things get tough or serious. Not open to introducing you to other important people in their life. Controlling. Condescending. Dishonest. Dismissive. Lack of ambition or goals. And, my absolute favorite: not reading books.

That list is only a short synopsis of the responses I received, but an excerpt from one response sums up the core of red flags:

“Selfish – one of my boyfriends wouldn’t let me have a bite of corn he had with dinner one night which was a sign of more selfish and controlling behavior he would demonstrate later.”

When I opened this poll and the flood of responses poured in, some people listed things regarding finances, children, career and religion–the kind of relationship pillars that, to me, are absolute dealbreakers. For instance, if a guy told me he wanted his future wife to be a stay-at-home mom, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit. No. Not. Never.

A red flag, however, may or may not be a dealbreaker. But, a red flag is, just as the quote says, the kind of thing that seems minuscule in the beginning, but rears its ugly head in bigger ways later. It is the attention marker that alerts you to something that doesn’t look or feel quite right. But, it’s also the kind of thing that is easy, almost desirable, to suppress when you are in that lovey-dovey-head-up-your-ass-eyes-to-the-sky early phase of infatuation.

I know. I’m the Grinch Who Stole Relationships. Sorry.

When my Farris-belting beau scoffed at me one night one the phone and patronizingly called me “Sweetie” (you know, in that way that says, “You’re cute, but you’re a total idiot”) the sirens in my brain went off. And, those sirens only knew to go off because my last relationship was loaded with bullets of condescension.

That’s the thing about red flags. We only collect them after the trial and error of past relationships. We only know what we don’t like or what we don’t want after we have had to endure it in both small and large ways. Someone who thinks dismissiveness is a red flag has been, well, dismissed. Someone who thinks insecurity is a red flag has had to nurse the wimpy ego of a jealous significant other. Someone who finds inconsistency to be a red flag has had to deal with last minute cancellations via text. We only know what we have experienced.

But, we should trust our experiences enough not to ever ignore those red flags.

Xoxo,

Tyece

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgive Yourself.

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31 Day Writing Challenge Day 17: “A person you want to forgive”

Tyece,

Forgive yourself.

Everyone says you are hard on yourself and everyone is right. You are a perfectionist by nature; admonishing yourself for mistakes is written in your DNA. You can’t quite remember a time when you weren’t hard on yourself. And, you are fully aware that being hard on yourself is a double-edged sword because if you were not, you would be OK with a mediocre and typical life. And, you never wanted that. However, there are people who live beyond mediocrity every day and even they are OK with mistakes. In fact, the extraordinary people welcome mistakes. They know that is the best and sometimes only way to learn.

You have to forgive yourself for being a perfectly flawed woman who is prone to accidents and total fuck-ups. You have to know that the occasional screw-up is expected when you are human and clumsy and defective.

Forgive yourself for sweating too much when you are nervous or stressed. Forgive yourself for being the kind of woman who picks the polish off her toes or has a preference for boring black undergarments. Forgive yourself for not being the kind of woman who gets up at sunrise to run. Forgive yourself for sometimes tripping over your words or speaking really loudly when you get impassioned, even on the phone in cubicle nation where discretion is advised. Forgive yourself for eating a lot of fast food and only cooking a few times a week.

Forgive yourself for being damaged. Affected. Imprinted with scars from the past. Welcome the pain. Let it run through your blood and make you even better.

Forgive yourself when your apartment is messy. Forgive yourself when there is a pile of stray clothes that need to be hung up or a mountain of books on the floor because you hate reading instructions, so you never properly assemble your bookshelves and they always break. Forgive yourself for sometimes forgetting to put a fresh bowl of water out in the morning for Roxy. She only wants to drink from the sink, anyway.

Forgive yourself for changing your mind frequently about the things you want out of this life. You are young and they say that is what young people do.

Forgive yourself for not being the centerpiece in the room. Forgive yourself for not being that girl who men flock toward, that woman who cocks her head back and laughs daintily and sexily all in one. You do not know how that works and you’ll never know how it works. Keep laughing in your typical gross way. Someone will find it endearing.

In short, forgive yourself for being yourself. You were not designed out of accident so stop making your way through the world by tip-toeing. Stomp all over the damn place. Make some noise. Make some mistakes.

Xoxo,

Tyece