The last person I really, really liked

My body knew it before my brain. My heart did a little pitter patter and before my mind could even piece the string of digits together, I knew. I knew it all too well. There are states and people and diners and rivers between us and somehow my phone buzzes and it’s like you’re right there. Like you never left.

I tried to write this post yesterday but the words eluded me and I opted for one of those late night writing sessions for my eyes only.  What I say here and now is probably still wildly inappropriate but such is the risk a blogger takes. Not too long ago, I wrote about first loves. But in some other galaxy, where you recycle your kindergarten references to your latest crush, there’s that person you really, really liked. Even as an adult, the word like carries heavy weight. I don’t like many things or many people, but the things and people I like, or better yet love, I hold dear. I protect. I invest in.

When my phone danced on my desk yesterday, my mind skipped back to last fall and the last person I really, really liked. Last fall, I was a recent grad pushed in to my adulthood, and I had yet to toss my college dating mentality alongside my ill-fitting clothes before I left Maryland. Men were still “boys,” dates were still a movie on someone’s couch and owning genuine feelings for a human being was a dreaded distraction, not a complement to my own life. So, only in retrospect, only after having first dates that never turned in to second ones, only after forcing chemistry with past beaus did I come realize, oh shit. I really, really liked this person.

And maybe it was life. Maybe it was the first trimester of one of the ugliest times in my life and it was hard to feel anything for anyone. Vulnerability frightened me. And maybe it was time. Maybe it was too early or maybe it was too late. Maybe you were right there on the cusp of everything good. Maybe it was intention. Yours never defined, mine never spoken. Or maybe there weren’t any maybes, maybe there will never be any maybes, because something tells me it was definitely never supposed to work. Even so, I really, really liked you.  The way I like vanilla custard with rainbow sprinkles on Sunday nights right after I grocery shop. Yummy. The way I like sifting through blogs and magazines in bed on Saturday morning.  Comfortable. The way I like blasting my music after I leave the gym and my endorphins have skyrocketed. Exciting. That’s how I liked you. In a way that was intricate and effortless and exhilirating and everything.

If there is anything I have learned since we did some crazy, premature stunted dance with each other last fall, it is this. This life. It’s short. I should have been brave enough to tell you these words then instead of leaving them on this page now. 



Confessions of a Cool Kid: Laura Saur

I met Laura (last name pronounced “so”) during my sophomore year of undergrad when she moved in to a crowded triple across the hall from me. Over a few semesters, particularly the last ones when she and I (and two other homies) shared the best apartment known to mankind, I got to know Laura as many things–a chef, a social butterfly, and a J Crew aficionado among other things. Today, Laura is a personal stylist for J. Crew, carving a beautiful beginning path for herself in the fashion industry. Check out the confessions of this cool kid.

Age: 22

Current Job: Personal Stylist for J.Crew

Any side hustles? Not as of now, but when I can find more time (and someone to help me photograph outfits) I would love to start a fashion blog.

What spurred you to step in to the fashion industry? Originally during undergrad my mind was set on nursing/the healthcare field but it wasn’t until after I received a bachelor’s and months later submitted my first nursing school application that I realized it just wasn’t for me. It was not a career I was passionate about or could see myself being happy with and nursing is not a career to take lightly. It was in college when I think I started narrowing down my personal style and my older sister and friends had always commented on how I have such an eye for detail that they started to turn to me for fashion advice. My sister always said to me that she could see me as a personal shopper because I’m honest, decisive, and I can tell what fits or compliments a person’s body type etc. I sat myself down one day and took a lot of time to really think about what it is that I love doing and what makes me happy. I basically started looking back to what I do with my free time (a.k.a the time I spend procrastinating) and realized that I fill that time with reading a lot of fashion blogs, pinning my favorite fashion finds on Pinterest, or keeping up with the trends on Once I realized I wanted to get my foot in the door for the fashion industry, I knew the first step to take was to start in retail. I applied to one of my favorite stores, J.Crew, and was initially hired as a Sales Associate but had my eye on the Personal Shopper position. After a little less than three months with the company, my boss had taken me on as one of the newest Personal Shoppers!

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Of course I see myself living in Manhattan, working as a buyer for Barney’s New York or Bloomingdales (which will include traveling the world to find the best quality fashion pieces and trends), and having a styling gig on the side for movies or tv shows! It’s the dream I’m trying to make my reality.

Three things you never leave home without:

1. My iPod/iPhone for music. Can’t get through my day without an up-beat playlist to listen to on my way to and from work.

2. Fresh Sugar Rose Tinted Lip Treatment. It’s amazing. It moisturizes perfectly for kissable lips and adds a rosy tint of color.

3. Bandaids–for when my toes blister in my heels during the times I choose fashion over comfort :)
Advice for up-and-coming fashionistas: This might sound like a typical answer but it’s one of the pieces of advice that is so key and really helps: networking! You have to be a little fearless by just putting yourself out there and take notice of people around you, kindly acknowledge them, start up conversation and you never know what sort of helpful and interesting information you will discover about this person. Share your passion with them and more times than not, they will most likely know someone who knows someone who works in the fashion industry. Save their contact information and follow through after the meet up. Following through is an even more important part of the process of networking; you may be a little hesitant at first but when you keep your eye on the prize you’ll be opening doors to many more opportunities.

Your daily/life mantra: If you don’t build your dream, someone will hire you to help build theirs. –Tony Gaskins

Your fashion inspirations: Rachel Zoe, Emily Schuman (blogger for Cupcakes and Cashmere), Olivia Palermo (simple chic and classy look. pretty much what I would describe my personal style as), Diane Von Furstenburg (completely obsessed with her bright color patterns)

Anything else? I remember saying to my oldest brother (who my Mom wanted to be a doctor but instead he chose a career he loves, software engineering, and is so successful with it) that I guess I just went with the idea of nursing because it’s a career I thought people would respect me for and that others may think fashion is just a joke. But he said to me, “People will respect you more for pursuing your dream and doing something you love. They will find it admirable of you.” I loved that advice.

How can we get in touch with you?

Confessions of a Cool Kid is the Twenties Unscripted profile series that features, well, people doing cool things. If you or someone you know is a cool kid, hit me up at

The Courage to Make Inconvenient Decisions

So, it’s been more than awhile since I’ve blogged, partially because July has been deemed Under Construction month as I’ve migrated all of my content in to this new site. But, today, I got the writing itch, more than usual, and decided I had something to say, even if the new home for my words is still being built.

I started my morning the way any normal 22 year old would–by grabbing my iPhone and reading emails. Groggy eyes and somnolence aside, I remembered it was Wednesday so I scanned the emails for my weekly “Love Note” from life coach, writer and Happy Harvard Grad, Kaneisha Grayson. Today’s note, The importance of knowing and living your values–even when it’s painful struck a chord more than most of her hump day lovin. Kaneisha wrote about a very recent breakup she had due to her and her significant other having completely different ideas of where they wanted to end up; Kaneisha was adament about living in either Austin or Santa Monica while her beau saw himself in D.C. (one of the best cities in the world, I think, but certainly not for everyone.)

Kaneisha’s note took me back to two years ago, right around this time. It was July 2010, I sat in a hot, cramped studio apartment in the Upper West Side and my now ex-boyfriend uttered the four words that are equivalent to the kiss of death: “We need to talk.” The conversation had ominously loomed above our relationship for months as our disparate family values drove a wedge between us.

Now, two years and a lifetime of experiences later, I reflect back on that day in the studio apartment and think, “What took us so long?” We both knew early on that we didn’t agree when it came to our families and what was and wasn’t important about our backgrounds. But for months, even years, we ignored those differences. We spun circles around the topic without ever reaching a resolution. And why? Because it was convenient. It was easier to stay in a comfy cozy relationship and litter the stark value imbalance with dates and trips and, well, other things couples do.

I would love to say I learned so much from my ex-boyfriend that I never made another convenient decision when it came to a guy. But that would be complete fiction. On a smaller scale, I’ve stayed in convenient situations with guys, pretending I could function in the midst of chaos and jack-in-the-box ex-girlfriends. But, the same way airports inflate the cost of a magazine, convenience comes with a price. Opting for the easy way out in the beginning often means paying an unnecessarily high price in the end.

Part of dealing with the growing pains of adulthood is learning how to make the tough decisions. It’s growing a pair and being brave enough to make inconvenient choices. Hurt now or hurt more later. It’s on you.




What Am I Doing With My Life?

It’s a question that plagues me virtually every day. It slithers through my mind and creeps in to conversations with my friends. Usually, my friends and I blurt it out jokingly in the middle of a quarter-life crisis conversation while knowing deep down, we actually have asked ourselves that question time and time again. And, each time, when we dig for the answer, we come up short.

I spent four years in high school building up to college. Spent four years in college building up until this point. I never knew the exact details of my post-grad life, but I knew the framework. Job. Place. Stability. Sorta. Now, I’m peering ahead to the rest of my life and it’s an unlined sheet of paper. For someone who spends the majority of her life planning and an iota of time actually enjoying the fruits of her labor, this unlined sheet feels like the kiss of death. It feels like everything and nothing. It feels like possiblities juxtaposed with indecision. It feels scary as shit.

And, it’s not always work. It’s my LIFE. People, relationships, love. Planting my roots.  It’s all of the things that you are supposed to have to be healthy and happy. And, while I feel I am on a launching pad to those prizes, the spring hasn’t been released. So, I’m sort of just standing on some wobbly thing waiting.

Everyone tells me I will be fine. The arguably anal retentive behaviors that have gotten me to this point are the same ones that will get me to the next point, moving closer to the target until I strike my personally defined bullseye. But, just as someone told me last week, “Oh, you’re going to be fine. And, you’ll never believe me, but you’re going to be fine.”

I asked one of my best friends tonight the same question that has anchored this post: “What am I doing with my life?” She replied, “Living.” Maybe she’s right. Maybe right now I should soak up my life for the beauty, mess, and uncertainty that it is. Maybe I should trust that I am doing the right things and asking the right questions and surrounding myself with the right people. Maybe it’s OK to still question. Maybe it’s when we stop questioning what we’re doing that we start settling. Maybe we should ask ourselves every single day what we’re doing with our lives to avoid the epidemic of complacency. But, maybe we shouldn’t let those questions stop us from taking a deep breath, trusting that we will be fine, and just living.

Love freely,