Monthly Archives: January 2012

Going the Distance

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Long distance relationships are difficult.

Oh, you think I’m going to write about love, don’t you? You think I’m going to recount some terrible experience of dating some guy who lived in some terribly far location resulting in a terrible breakup.

Nah, that was 2010. Get with it.

(And, as a note—I’m not really a proponent of LDRs simply because scientists and computer engineers have yet to find a way to make that very special activity happen without two people being in the same room. But, I digress.) 

Today I was talking to my best friend in the whole wide world about moving, a recurrent topic these days. We both seeemed to agree that establishing a life away from our roots, and possibly even away from the east coast, is a good thing. Scratch that. Great thing. Then, I said one of those “Oh, I’m going to have to blog about this later” sentences.

“Being away from home hasn’t ruined any of my relationships. In fact, it’s probably made them better.”

And, there it is. Not being geographically close to your “tribe” as I call it (the people, friends and/or family, whom you love an insane amount) can be challenging to say the least. But, being away also means less fighting over the trivial stuff (because who really wants to try and solve a blowout via phone? yikes) and more appreciation for the conversations, texts, birthday cards, emails, gchats, skype sessions, and rare visits. Being away means making an effort instead of just letting the 10 feet between you and your best friend’s bedroom in the same apartment do all of the work. Being away forces you to very quickly realize who are your real friends and who were the people who were just your friends because you happened to live in the same apartment complex or have the same class together.

Distance won’t ever solve that issue of the lack of Bmore club music dance sessions in my life now that I live 8 hours away from my best friend (soon to be an entire DAY away. whoa.) But, in the end, I’d trade those spurts of fun for the stronger bonds I have with my peeps.

Single Girl’s Manifesto Part II

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Last April, on my former blog, I wrote “A Single Girl’s Manifesto.” I would link to it here but then I’d have to kill you.

I was just reading the entry and I realized how much has changed since that time. Today, between beginning to read Hill Harper’s and weeping far more than the appropriate cinema cry amount while watching One Day, I’ve been thinking about relationships and my lack thereof. 

Looking back on the entry from April, I realize how much of it I no longer agree with and how inaccurate it was considering I was breaking bread with someone at the time. Sure I was “single” but it was more like “single with a side of FWB.” But, that’s neither here nor there. Now, at least for the past three months, I have been seriously single. Like seriously. Like Saturday-night-watching-movies-on-demand single. Yeah, you get it.

This blog is about adulthood and, well, relationships are a part of that. So, I’ve decided it’s time to rewrite my single girl’s manifesto, stealing a few lines from the original. Here goes nothing.

Somewhere in between graduation and entering the world of work, bills and grocery shopping (better known as adulthood), it clicked: single has some stigmas. Now, getting on Facebook is synonymous with watching Four Weddings, complete with photos of engagement rings and relationship statuses changing from “in a relationship” to “engaged” at warp speed.

You need a +1 for work functions. You need something to do on Friday night other than watch reruns of House Hunters until you fall asleep. You need a valentine, a New Year’s kiss, and a second home to go to on holidays.

Or, do you?

We’re inundated with relationship rhetoric 24/7. It’s going to rain if Bruno Mars’ loses his baby. Someone finally put Beyonce’s love on top (and what does that mean? Is it physically on top of something? Is it a priority? Oh, I digress.) Carrie’s chasing Big around NYC and Kim Kardashian’s even more famous because of a 72-day marriage. From the music we listen to and the shows we watch to the conversations we have with friends and the books we read, relationships are an everyday part of our lives.

There isn’t a science to being single. It’s simple. To quote the beautiful Eva Mendes in Hitch, “You’re not sick; you’re single.” So, this is the part where I’m supposed to bash relationships and say it’s totally OK if you never find the love of your life. Except that’s a bold faced lie and my mom raised me better than that. I guess the trick, or my trick, to being single is to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. And enjoying it requires two things: knowing yourself and liking yourself. Because I believe then, and only then, will you attract the type of love that will make you senselessly, unreasonably, and unequivocally happy. And, that’s the only type of happy that any human being deserves.

So, yes, I am single. I won’t obsess over it any more than someone in a relationship should obsess over a significant other. Yes, I am single. My cat is curled up next to me as I write and I am in my night shirt from Forever 21. I reserve Sunday mornings for sleeping in, making breakfast, and watching Golden Girls on the Hallmark channel. Yes, I am single. I enjoy eating weird snacks at night such as pepperoni with shredded cheese. I sometimes have private dance concerts in the middle of my living room or pretend to be Wale. I don’t cuddle; I sleep. Like normal human beings. I don’t want your arm wrapped around me while I try to get into REM mode because my body is 98.6 degrees and your body is 98.6 degrees and, let’s face it: 197.2 degrees is just too hot and sweaty.

Yes, I am single. Not to be confused with sad or cynical. I’ve just come to realize that knowing me and liking me is the first step. Because, when the big man decides I’ve gotten that right, I still believe he will bring ferocious and earth-shattering love into my life. I still believe in one life with one person. Yes, I am single. But, the most important thing is that I still believe.

things (a year ago) i would’ve never thought/done

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  • thought 12am was way too late to go to bed on a weeknight
  • spent a Saturday afternoon in the furniture section of Target
  • gotten excited about buying a griddle to cook Sunday morning pancakes on
  • felt normal staying in on a Saturday night to watch a movie on demand
  • wanted something more serious and consistent than a FWB sitch
  • felt guilty about not cooking my meals
  • gotten ideas for designing my bedroom from ikea
  • looked at couches online for a solid 1.5 hours
  • woken up before 11am

Oh, how things change.

+1

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Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie obsesses over who her “plus one” is going to be to her book party?

I never really knew that pressure was real…until I became an adult.

I’ve been invited to a few events where I could bring someone. Apparently whom you opt to bring to something is a big deal. I’m finding out that there are a few options, all of which have a stigma attached to them.

1) Your significant other: This is the obvious choice. This is what people expect. If you bring a signifcant other, it’s evidence that you have a life and aren’t potentially a sociopath outside of work.

2) A girl friend: Another good and respectable choice. You’ll have fun and you can go out after and drink adult beverages. Double the fun.

3) A family member: This will solicit a few “awws” from your fellow attendees. But, it’s also a safe bet (given it’s a family member you like and not someone who makes your skin want to explode into a thousand burning flames).

4) A “friend”: Ok, so you’re single. But you still want to seem cool. You don’t want your co-workers to think all you do on the weekends is watch Oprah’s Lifeclass on demand (of course I’ve never done that…) So, you bring a friend of the opposite sex. Not someone you’re dating seriously. Just a friend. This is the risky choice. Because you could then be subjected to an awkward night and “after party” shall we say.

So many stigmas! So many things to consider! Oh me, oh my!

Except…that’s a lie.

In the end, you bring someone who meets 2 pieces of criteria: 1) You’re going to have an amazing time with that person. 2) That person is going to appreciate it. Don’t bring people around who won’t say thank you or will bemoan the experience. Cause that sounds more like a -1 to me.

The 5 Post Grad Types

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Happy 2012 and all that jazz.

While talking to a friend today, I listed off what I feel are the 5 types of people I know in post grad life. No need for further introduction; here it goes.

1) The Scholars: Why only stay in college for 4 years when you can extend it…with grad school! These are the people who either legitmately need an advanced degree to do what they want to do (in which case, props to you) or the people who couldn’t find a job and wanted to sound like they were doing something respectable.

2) The Overachievers: You know that kid who whined about getting an 89.5% on a test? Hate to say it, but that same kid is probably working at a decent job right now. These were the people who could’ve used a few more party nights and a few less study sessions, but their hard work probably paid off.

3) The Loafs: Definition—opposite of the overachievers. These are the people who thought they would be in college forever. They didn’t plan for what happens after those four years and are now scratching their heads having no idea what’s next nor how to get to it even if they tried. Instead, they would rather relive their college glory days.

4) The Underdogs: This a subcategory of the overachievers. These are the people who kicked butt in college but the recession is just being merciless at the moment.

5) The Trust Fund Babies: Ah, my favorite. These are the people who, regardless of what they did in undergrad, are living the life right now. They’re traveling the world, working at those cool jobs in expensive cities, and are finding the self they lost in all those Tequila shots in college. And, they are doing all of this on their parents dime. You want to hate the trust fund babies. You want to say, “One day real life is going to set in for them.” But, let’s be real…they’ll be living off of that money while the rest of us slave away.

Despite the differences among these groups, there’s one similarity. We’re all probably in some sort of post grad rut. We all miss the days when Sallie Mae wasn’t eating our checking account and when we used Sundays for sleeping instead of grocery shopping. In the end, we’re all still figuring it out.

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