The 7 Types Of Relationships You’ll Have In Your Life

Posted on December 8, 2013 by twilkin10

I usually steer clear of Buzzfeed-esque lists on my blog in favor of producing personal essays. I find lists to be a bit too cliché and a cheap ploy to gather hits. But, on my way home from work the other night, I started thinking about the different types of relationships we experience in life.

I started explaining this concept to my sister and she replied, “But, I haven’t had seven relationships in my life.” So, the caveat here is that many of these relationships listed can be a two-for-one package deal. Hell, they can be a three-for-one package. That means that you may look at one relationship and think, “Oh, yeah, that person” and look at another thing on the list and think, “Oh, yeah, that same person.”

To my left: my puppy love relationship, 8 years later.

1) The puppy love relationship

This is probably your first-ever relationship. It’s that person who was responsible for a lot of “firsts” in your life, whether it be the first time you fell in love, the first time your parents met a significant other, or your first…you get the point. This was a no holds barred and blind kind of infatuation, as you had absolutely no frame of reference for how a relationship worked. So, you thought everything you did was right. And, it was also probably reckless. But you were young enough that you bounced back and now look at that relationship with fondness and laughter.

2) The relationship that breaks you

This is the relationship that ended and left you at rock bottom. It’s the one where you didn’t get out of bed for days post-breakup. You sobbed. You screamed. You may have hooked up with the first ten people you met after just to try and get the pangs of pain out of your system. You were a wreck after because you felt what it was like to put your all into something only for it to not work in your favor. The cosmos shifted and your frame of reference for relationships would never be the same.

3) The perpetually undefined relationship

You guys spent Sunday mornings in bed together. You went out for drinks. You laughed, watched bad TV and had great sex. And, while you reached the “Let’s not see other people” conversation, you never went beyond that. You never outright said that you both were significant others. You danced around exclusivity. You just left it undefined and while you tried to remain casual about the lack of a definition, it never sat well with you. But, when it fizzled, you did not feel merited to say anything because you weren’t ever really a girlfriend. However, it still hurt like hell.

4) The first real relationship

This was the relationship where you grew up, got your shit together and actually worked to make it work. You didn’t just sit on each other’s couch eating Chinese food (probably a staple of #3) but you went on dates and trips. You made the investment. You had serious conversations about where things were going. You looked for healthy ways to communicate when things did not work instead of just cutting it off or nagging incessantly.

5) The fallback relationship also known as friends with benefits

This was not on my original list as I assumed FWB was the same as the perpetually undefined relationship. But, my sister and friend convinced me that this type of relationship was different because there were less feelings involved here. This was the person you called up when you were feeling lonely or ugly or bored and just wanted an escape. It was almost-guaranteed that you all could get together, have a good time and leave after without too many residual emotions.

6) The relationship you walk away from

This is the relationship where you decide you want more. You deserve better. You get an incredible gig across the country from your significant other and you don’t want a long-distance relationship. No matter what the circumstances are, this is the relationship where you take full ownership and responsibility for your love life and make a decision instead of having a decision made for you. You exit on your own. It feels badass and sour all at once. But, more so badass.

7) The forever relationship

The person you spend the rest of your life with. But, I know absolutely nothing about this yet. I just know it’s a connection to which I aspire.

What do you think? What types of relationships did I miss? Let me know in the comments.

Xoxo,

Tyece

Do Not Hate. Hustle.

Posted on December 5, 2013 by twilkin10

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” — Nelson Mandela

do not hate I had every intention of starting this blog post a different way. In my usual snarky approach, I wanted to lament about how I’d spent the better part of my day treading in self-pity because a twenty-something writer I love just inked her second book deal. That was how this blog post was supposed to begin. Then right before 5 p.m. today, my coworker came by my cube and announced Nelson Mandela had died. And, the beginning of this blog post changed.

I shrieked. I took first to CNN and then to Twitter. I read a stream of tweets, many with quotes from Mandela. Quotes. Quotes are how writers think, feel and breathe. They do something to us. Soon enough I found myself fighting back tears, aware that today, like every other day on this Earth, the world lost a beautiful warrior.

Earlier today, I was in a meeting when someone said, “If we focus on what we haven’t done, we lose sight of what we need to do.” It struck a chord with me because as the year draws to a close, I’ve focused a bit too much on the fact that the draft of my manuscript isn’t done. Back in April when I started working on the book, I was sure the manuscript would be complete before the year was up. I’ve beat myself up a bit, a mental whipping that takes away from two things: 1) what I have accomplished this year and 2) the strides I need to take in order to actually finish the book.

But, the Mandela quote at the beginning of this post says it all: “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” I could say that for each and every thing I have already done with Twenties Unscripted. Back in 2012, I sat on a coaching call with Demetria Lucas early on a Saturday morning discussing strategies for my blog. I hadn’t even created Twenties Unscripted yet. She talked to me about making sure everything I did always led back to the blog. She said, “That means writing, social media, events…” I remember thinking “Events? No one would ever attend an event I hosted on behalf of my blog.” I’m now working on my third Twenties Unscripted event for next year. Yes, it does always seem impossible until it’s done.

It is very easy to hate on the work others are doing. But, it’s much harder to pull ourselves out of the jealousy doldrums and bust our asses. The energy we waste on trivial matters pales in comparison to the work we are meant to do in order to leave a mark on the world. Hard work is just that–hard. Taxing. Difficult. Exhausting. But, it is the only kind of work that ever shows results. Mediocrity only breeds a flat life until one day, you just flat line.

For me, writing is a labor of love. It is activism. It is what I was put on this Earth to do and I know that more than I know anything else about this life. So, I know the only energy I should devote to the work of others is in praise. Otherwise, I have to grind. I have to put my head down. I have to work. I have to hustle. I have to write. That is why I am here.

The world has experienced a collective heartbreak tonight with the passing of Nelson Mandela. But, my God, how fortunate were we to have him here to learn from his work, his spirit and his legacy.

Rest peacefully, Mandela.

Xoxo,

Tyece

Guest Post: Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; It Will Dumb You Down

Posted on December 4, 2013 by twilkin10

By: Scarlett Clark

I have been called a geek many times. I am the one who reads English classics for pleasure, writes unremittingly during the weekends and who gets a kick out of drawing up mind maps and brain storms. Having said this, it will come as no surprise that I had a bucket list; a record of achievements to be completed before hitting 21. There were small ones such as passing my driving test and then well, let’s just say humongous ones; the book I was planning on writing hasn’t exactly been written, yet alone published.

I am pleased to announce though that my friends’ “bucket lists” have always been more realistic. Daisy has started looking for the one at 22 because she is determined to be married by 24 and April has already read up on the latest Tatler article on how to secure a place for your son at the prestigious institution; Eton. We have all been brainwashed into believing that twenties will be “the best time of our lives!” Seriously, how many times have you heard this? For some bizarre reason we have it installed in us that the twenties will ensure the perfect life. Well, I, Scarlett Clark am taking that idea, driving in on a classic FatBoy Harley Davidson and squashing that perception. I am announcing that this particular decade can suck.

Okay, maybe I am skeptical and my view is exaggerated but no doubt, you agreed. In order to fly high to the top to reach our chosen career paths we have to gain “experience.” We need to have internships and apprenticeships under our belt and the ability to speak dozens of languages and have grade 8 certificates in clarinet, the trumpet and piano to name a few (and I am just referring to my Chinese flatmate.) Rather than finding the one, we have this tendency to attract odd-balls and weirdoes. Being a student, champagne and caviar are reserved for when your parents come to stay because that student budget solely allows plums, porridge and tins of baked beans. We are ashamed to say that we are the generation whose iPhones hold the essence of our souls, we love puppies more than babies and Ben and Jerry’s in front of Girls is a lot more tempting than a daily salad and trip to the gym (even if in our heads we pride ourselves on resembling Miranda Kerr).

20 to 30 though quite conveniently is the time to make mistakes and have a ball whilst doing so. It is the time to have fun and enjoy the ride; I best stop before I come across as if I am about to break out into song. When did we start putting pressure on ourselves to achieve perfection during these ten years? Why do we all of a sudden strive to tick off our goals before we have grown as individuals? We go along at full speed presumptuous that we won’t crash rather than enjoy the ride and take detours. As William Shakespeare once wrote “joy’s soul lies in the living,” in fact what are we gaining if we are missing it and letting it pass on by? Qualms and meltdowns are regular occurrences in my household yet even I am learning to let my hair down. Don’t take life too seriously, it will dumb you down. Instead keep your head high and own your twenties. If nothing else has convinced you then remember this: puppies are just as cute as babies and don’t cost half as much, Ryan Gosling isn’t with you because he hasn’t met you yet and you can get around to writing that great novel when you’re old and grey.

Scarlett Clark is a twenty-something English journalist who has worked in the industry since she was only 14! She has gained experience in journalism, editorial and writing all over Europe and the States. Scarlett has a giggle rather than a laugh and wears heels on a daily basis yet she is a fearless blonde who enjoys informing the masses and whose mission in life has always been to have an impact on the world even if in a small way. Scarlett is the founder and editor of Scriptoersis. You can follow her on Twitter

Not Ready For A Relationship: The Truth Or A Defense Mechanism?

Posted on December 3, 2013 by twilkin10

October 2008

I’m working at the front desk of my dorm when I meet one of the new freshmen guys. I’m not savvy enough in the world of college “dating” to know that I should run away from him just by virtue of his first-year status, especially because I’m a sophomore. I don’t realize that an 18-year old guy has hormones that are running rampant and this university is going to provide him with a playground of options. So, I ignore all of the red flags because I am only nineteen years old and he is hot. That is reason enough.

When he tells me early on in our shenanigans that he is not ready for a relationship, I conveniently ignore that proclamation. Because we’re still spending time together and doing what pseudo adults do, so surely it must mean something. Surely he can be persuaded otherwise. Maybe he’s just hiding his true feelings? I conjure up a host of explanations in hopes of refuting his desire not to commit. And, then I fall hard, fast and recklessly, into an abyss all by myself. Because, he doesn’t budge. He doesn’t want a relationship. He said what he meant and he meant what he said.

I learn never to ignore that statement again.

Today I tweeted something in response to a few of my friends discussing the “not ready for a relationship” theory:

“Man says he doesn’t want a relationship, he actually doesn’t. Woman says it…she might be persuaded otherwise.”

And, because this is America and we don’t like double standards, people didn’t necessarily agree with me. Which is fine. I wasn’t born to be agreeable. I’m aware that I made quite a blanket statement, so it doesn’t apply to everyone. Yes, there are some men who say they don’t want relationships, but can be persuaded. Yes, there are some women who say they are not ready for a relationship and they actually mean it.

But, the punch line here is that no one is ever really ready for a relationship.

There are a gazillion articles out there that will tell you why being single in your twenties is awesome. There are also articles out there that will tell you why being in a relationship in your twenties is awesome. But, there aren’t any articles out there that will tell you how to best carry out your own damn life.

Sure, there is probably a certain mental and emotional space you should be in to commit yourself to a relationship, a space that opens you up to receiving love and giving it as well. So, if that is what defines being “ready” well, then, so be it. But, as I’ve written before, a relationship is about the stainless combination that comes along when you meet the right person at the right time and choose to be with them for the right reasons. There are many times in life when those three things do not blend. But, on the rare occasion that they do, you have something beyond beautiful.

I could tell you right now that I’m not ready for a relationship. And, that statement would be part truth, part myth and part defense mechanism. The part truth: my life is crammed. My weekends are crammed. My brain is crammed. Everything is crammed with the energy I devote to my career and my writing. The part myth: Well, if the right person trotted along my path, I would be ready to reallocate my energy and time to be with them. And, the part defense mechanism: sometimes, it’s easier to say I’m not ready than to admit that I’m scared as all hell to fall in love again. Sometimes, it is simpler to throw myself into a host of projects and limit the space I have to meet someone and be vulnerable. It is easier than admitting that I know when I love, I love daringly. I love boldly. I love with the kind of love that fills my whole heart, penetrates my brain and runs through my limbs at every moment of every day. That out-of-body experience love. That first thing on my mind in the morning, last thought on my mind at night kind of love. That Mary J. Blige real love. That pick up your favorite candy at the store love. That rub your back and care about your day kind of love. And, sometimes that kind of love is purely exhausting. So, sometimes, it feels as though I’m protecting myself and my heart by just saying that I’m not ready.

But, then again, who ever is?

Xoxo,

Tyece

Too Old For This

Posted on December 2, 2013 by twilkin10

I’m standing in the middle of Forever 21 wondering what kind of barbiturates the store’s designers are on in order to create these clothes. I decided to do a little shopping in an effort to replenish my closet after I just purged it a week ago of all the teeny tiny club dresses and five-inch heels. Perhaps coming to the same store that supplied that wardrobe of barely-there dresses was my first mistake. Everything surrounding me is neon or covered in three different patterns. Or both.

I end up leaving with a white shirt and two necklaces, wondering if I’ve really gotten too old for Forever 21, a store that has been a staple in my shopping diet for a decade now. I remember the first time my mom let me shop there; my teenage mind died and went to heaven as I racked up a mighty collection of mini skirts. Now, I try to convince myself that I haven’t outgrown this place, but my current closet of tame pencil skirts and midi dresses would say otherwise. Maybe I am too old for this shit.

“Too old for this shit.” I’ve heard the phrase uttered more and more as I’ve moved through my twenties. I’ve heard it from my friends when we’re standing in line waiting to get into some sweatbox of a club. I’ve heard it used when none of us wants to go out on the weekends because it’s 30 degrees outside. And, I’ve heard it used in situations with more gravity, when relationships turn sour or friendships go south. I’ve heard it used when people are seeking the words to proclaim that they do not have the energy or desire to endure the histrionics that come along with certain people or situations.

But, age ain’t nothing but a number, or whatever Aaliyah said. The people we allow into our lives and the mental energy we expel on trivial matters are all a matter of choice. Perhaps there is a correlation between age and wisdom, but I’ve certainly met some silver-haired idiots in my time, so that relationship is still questionable. We can only operate off of the experiences life has given us and whatever lessons we extracted from them.

Because, the truth is, we’re not too old. fact, we’re rather young. And, as much as we’d like to proclaim that we are above the bullshit, sometimes we are caught right there in the middle of it. We are all just tall enough to ride the nauseating roller coaster of growing up. We are still young enough not to be immune to the pangs of petty melodrama, but we are old enough to learn something and do better next time. We’re all a bundle of nerves, sometimes driven by impulse and far too motivated by the acronym YOLO. So, we don’t always exercise caution. We don’t always look both ways before crossing the street. And, sometimes we have a head-on collision with consequences of the same decisions that seemed brilliant only a moment ago. Sometimes we have a solid head on our shoulders and sometimes we just lose our damn minds. That is called being a twentysomething.

So, when shit hits the fan, which it does on a weekly basis at this age, I try to remind myself that a year from now, none of it will matter. I remind myself that I’ve gone through a lot and still have quite a bit to go through. I remind myself that being malleable, fluid and resilient are all a byproduct of being young.

And, when those self-affirmations don’t work, well, there is always wine.

Xoxo,

Tyece